▪ Jackson Family Thriller 2012

Ahem. So, recently a friend, currently outside the country and out of the non-loop that is US pop culture news, asked for an rundown of the situation w/Michael Jackson's children. As a lifelong Michael fanatic, I understand completely why Michael dipped out and gave his family the ol' sparkly-gloved middle finger.

If you, like my friend, find yourself slightly curious about all these Jackson goings-on, yet not so curious that you actually feel like reading whole news articles about it-- and who the hell can blame you?-- here is Bullet-Point News' gist of the sordid matter.

§ Jermaine and his brother's babymama's crotchfruit Jermajesty is born. And is actually named Jermajesty. Like, Jermajesty is written on his birth certificate and other government-issued documentation.

§ Michael nicknames Blanket Blanket, name somehow sticks. For life, apparently.

§ Oprah descends upon Michael's girl child, Paris, for ratings, armed with a barrage of stupid, stupid questions ("Oh-em-gee! How does it feel knowing Michael Jackson was your paw-paw? Dude! MICHAEL FUCKING PYT JACKSON!!! Was your first word Cha-mone???? ...well, WAS IT?!?!?!"). Vulturous stunt doesn't work-- OWNetwork still careening down the shittubes.

§ For some odd reason, Mother Jackson disappears.

§ Michael's girl child exclaims, "I hate you all & totes see why my dad stopped fucking w/you back in '83! I want my grandma!" For some reason, male children silent/unconcerned/not on Twitter.

§ TMZ descends upon situation and turns it into a "thing," reveals that Paris Jackson has Twitter followers.

§ For some odd reason, Janet, who also stopped fucking w/the family back in '83, calls Paris a spoiled bitch. Source: TMZ, so this bit is unquestionably true.

§ Mother calls home and is like, "Wtf, I'm not 'missing,' I'm just on a secret, impromptu out of town visit w/family & didn't bother communicating this to my minor grandchildren who were left in my care. I'll holla."

§ Hard hitting US journalists reporting around the clock.

§ Mother returns home.

§ Inexplicably, some random younger Jackson-- quite possibly one of 3T-- is granted custody of Prince, Paris & Blanket.

§ Newsmedia still seriously referring to a semi-bearded manchild as Blanket. And will till the day he dies-- which, considering surroundings of heroin, firearms & batshit relatives, may not be too far off.

§ Jermajesty unavailable for comment. Likely masturbating to fantasies of assaulting another of his young relatives, this time w/multiple tasers.

Consider yourself now caught up just enough on Jackson Family Thriller 2012.

You may now smugly regard yourself as adequately informed on a wide range of gripping topics, including the Jackson family and celebrity; child custody laws; child labor in the entertainment industry; social networking and privacy; child drug use; and a whole host of other remotely-related subject areas.